When there’s something puzzling, frustrating, or disheartening me, sometimes I’ll try to engage in a conversation with that voice in my head to see what is at its root, to see what’s happening under the surface of conscious thought. Here is one of those internal dialogues.

Voice 1: Pain! Suffering! Anger! Sadness! YAY!

Voice 2: Why the hell are you celebrating these things?

1: Because we are being shown our areas of inner resistance! We are having our buttons pressed--and even harshly bashed in with a fucking baseball bat--so that we may become aware of their existence.

2: And why would I want to be made aware of my buttons?

1: Because your buttons represent the areas in life and in yourself that cause you to unconsciously impose restrictions upon yourself, your mind, your heart, your love, your joy, your peace.

2: Well, la-dee-fucking-da. Isn't that great.

1: I know you're being sarcastic. I know you're fed up, sick of it. And I know right now probably isn't the moment you're ready to process all of this, but it's true. This is a good thing.

2: Uh huh...

1: It's a good thing you're being pushed to your limit because that's how you start to go beyond your limits.

2: Thanks for the—

1: Cliché? Yes, I know it might sound cliché, but you know what what? Your saying it's cliché only reveals your resistance to the truth of that statement. And your resistance to change. All of this pain, anger, frustration, and grief is shoving its ugly head into your face in order to get your attention. It's trying to show you something in yourself that needs your attention.

2: Like what?

1: It's showing you what's not working for you anymore. It's showing you either:

A) An outer circumstance that you'd benefit from changing because it's not serving you.

Or...

B) It's showing you how you have a habituated, patterned response to certain kinds of phenomena (a trigger). This response pattern that you have unconsciously accumulated might take many different forms but it is, essentially, RESISTANCE. Resistance to whatever the trigger is. The resistance might be justified. It might be necessary for a time to protect yourself. But it is also restricting your ability to live life and experience life as you would like to. Lovingly. Joyfully. Harmoniously.

Or it's showing you both A and B. And maybe the rest of the whole freaking alphabet, too.

1: So what do I do?

2: Look at it.

1: Look at my moments of resistance?

2: Exactly. Notice the moments that cause you to tense up, give up, or blow a fuse. Imagine that these experiences were given to you, designed FOR you, by some mysterious source of guidance within yourself. Call it your Inner Helper. Ask your Inner Helper, "Why the fuck are you giving me this experience? What do you want me to learn through this experience? What unacknowledged part of myself are you behooving me to see, support, and integrate? How is this frustrating or disheartening situation actually designed to catalyze and support my growth? What inner and/or outer change is this dynamic behooving me to make?" Ask your Inner Helper (your self) these questions.

1: What if I'm sick of doing that? What if I'm sick of all of this "self-work"? Are you going to tell me I should "look at that", too?

2: You said it, not me. But yes, there might be some benefit there. You could also try to be a little easier on yourself. Try to let go of some of that pressure you put on yourself to change and "fix" what you perceive to be wrong with yourself. See if you can let the process of self-study be a little gentler. Maybe take a bubble bath? One with lots of foam and pastel coloring.

1: I'm not really that into baths...

2: Well, you know, just try to be a tiny bit more okay with how you are and who you are right now.

1: Okay.

2: Looking at a problem might be difficult and painful, but you can't learn from it, transmute it, or heal it if you don't start (gently) digging into it. Do what you can and, little by little, the snowball of your misery—

1: You mean the one I've been rolling up a mountain for 32 years? Possibly hundreds more if incarnation is actually a thing?

2: Yes, that snowball. Take small steps toward healing yourself and eventually that snowball will shrink. The change may be imperceptible from one moment to the next, but if you persist (and don't beat yourself up when you stumble backward), you'll eventually look back and see that some change has occurred. More lightness will have come your way.

1: In theory, I believe you, but another part of me doesn't believe that's actually possible for me.

2: I know. And I could say that the voice of disbelief is coming from your inner resistance to healing, maybe because you don't believe you deserve to feel good about yourself and life. I could say that, but instead I'll just ask you to trust me, try this out, keep going, and have some faith. Faith in the process and faith in yourself.

1: And if I have no faith?

2: Then pretend. Imagine the FEELING of believing that it will somehow work out. Don't worry about whether or not it's true, just act as if it is.

1: Okay. I'll keep that in mind. But right now, I'm gonna go to bed.

On my blog, you can find more writings on art and alchemical thinking, interviews about creativity, psychologically-oriented reflections on tarot, and more. You can check out past posts in the categorized list below.

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Art
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 17, 2017 Put the Potatoes on Your Face
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
- Dec 19, 2016 Wakey Wakey, Inner Kiddo
Interviews
- Jul 18, 2018 Artist Interview: Kayle Karbowski
- Jun 4, 2018 Artist Interview: Sally Nicholson
- Apr 23, 2018 Interview: Yogi Ron Katwijk
- Mar 1, 2018 Artist Interview: Lawrence Blackman
- Feb 21, 2018 Artist Interview: Samantha Blumenfeld
Magical Thinking
- Jun 21, 2023 Magick for Reshaping Life and Transmuting Trauma
- May 18, 2023 Magick is a Sentient Entity: Using the Imagination to Co-Create with Magick
- Dec 4, 2020 The Healing Voice: Wounds, Addiction, and Purgation
- Aug 5, 2019 Celebrating Your Misery
- Jun 21, 2019 White Peacocks, Constipation, and Emotional Liberation
- Aug 23, 2018 Melting a Snowball of Misery
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 16, 2018 Questions for Limitations
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Jan 5, 2018 Chaos' Playground: Finding Gold in the Shitstorm
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 7, 2017 Three Reasons to Destroy Yourself (Or Not)
- Jul 6, 2017 Nerves and Tutus
- Feb 19, 2017 Why Does Heartache Happen?
- Jan 15, 2017 Following Fear
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
Tarot
- Oct 24, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #5: Why does my skin crawl with wonder and fascination as such important relationships in my life are connected by the eyes?
- Oct 11, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #4: How long will it be until I have a new job?
- Sep 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #3: Why can't I find more hours in a day?
- Sep 3, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #2: Do abusers know they're being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?
- Aug 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #1: Why is the Present Moment So Much All the Time?
- Aug 18, 2019 Today's Tarot: Shifting Pain by Surrendering to It
- Aug 13, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Golden Devils Inside You
- Aug 12, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Moon of Self-Loathing
- Jun 27, 2019 Today's Tarot: Snot, Beauty, and Tea for Pain
- Feb 28, 2018 Today's Tarot: The World is in the Seed
- Aug 26, 2017 Tarot as a Tool for Reality Construction