Tarot can be used as a tool to stimulate the subconscious and allow our unseen inner patterns (patterns of thought, emotion, sexuality, and physical aspects) to express themselves through the act of spontaneous reflection upon the cards' images. In this exercise, I'm drawing one card to represent my self-loathing and another card to represent my inner healer, then imagining that I am speaking as each of them. Why this subject? Simply because that's what is on my mind this morning. Unedited and stream of consciousness because I gotta go to work soon.

VOICE OF SELF-LOATHING (THE MOON):

“Under all your anger, there is a baby, scared.”

— Legion, season 3, episode 8

I am everything that makes you uncomfortable about yourself. The aspects of yourself that make you squirm, shrink, or want to throw in the towel and just collapse into a soft chair while you watch TV, stuff your face, or drink. I am the voice inside you that believes, "I am worthless. I'm lazy. I'm dumb. I'm unlikable and unlovable and really should just be buried under a mountain of the devil's shit." These beliefs might be convincing, they might be caused by things that really happened to you, but they're not based in truth, even though they FEEL true and real. I am that felt sense of ugliness and hopelessness you can feel in your stomach, chest, and forehead.

VOICE OF THE INNER HEALER (THE EMPRESS):

I can see all of your pain, but unlike The Moon, I can see its cause and its message. The Moon (your self-loathing) is useful and, paradoxically, helpful because its trying to communicate to your that you have needs that have not been met. Self-loathing comes from low self-worth, which comes from some aspect of yourself that hasn't been loved. There might be a specific shape and certain words or memories connected to that love-lack, but that's what it is. It's a part of yourself that wants some love and acknowledgment.

How can you do that?

That's going to look different from person to person and from moment to moment. But you can imagine that your self-loathing is like a friend who lives inside of you, a friend in pain. How do you support that friend in pain? Do you listen? Ask them what need is unmet and see what you can do help meet that need in a healthy way? Consider what change the pain is behooving you to make?

Go into the pain. Study it. Examine it. Sit with it. Listen to it. Learn from it. I, the Empress, have a lot of strength and creativity, but if there's elements that impede my awareness of my assets, then I've got to start looking at my obstacles before I can start to experience my own worth.

The pain is showing you that something isn't working. What's not working? Why isn't it working? Understand the mess, then gradually try to reorganize it and redirect it. Creating something new or something that goes against the momentum of preexisting patterns can be initially difficult and maybe even seem futile at first, but just start. Do a little here and there. If your room is a mess, pick up a thing or two every day. Notice when you are adding to the mess and try to curb that tendency.

On my blog, you can find more writings on art and alchemical thinking, interviews about creativity, psychologically-oriented reflections on tarot, and more. You can check out past posts in the categorized list below.

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Art
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 17, 2017 Put the Potatoes on Your Face
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
- Dec 19, 2016 Wakey Wakey, Inner Kiddo
Interviews
- Jul 18, 2018 Artist Interview: Kayle Karbowski
- Jun 4, 2018 Artist Interview: Sally Nicholson
- Apr 23, 2018 Interview: Yogi Ron Katwijk
- Mar 1, 2018 Artist Interview: Lawrence Blackman
- Feb 21, 2018 Artist Interview: Samantha Blumenfeld
Magical Thinking
- Jun 21, 2023 Magick for Reshaping Life and Transmuting Trauma
- May 18, 2023 Magick is a Sentient Entity: Using the Imagination to Co-Create with Magick
- Dec 4, 2020 The Healing Voice: Wounds, Addiction, and Purgation
- Aug 5, 2019 Celebrating Your Misery
- Jun 21, 2019 White Peacocks, Constipation, and Emotional Liberation
- Aug 23, 2018 Melting a Snowball of Misery
- Jul 2, 2018 About the Folks Who Think You Stink (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Jun 22, 2018 The Freedom and Fear of Being Yourself (Notes on Performance and Life)
- Apr 16, 2018 Questions for Limitations
- Apr 3, 2018 Public Alchemy: Notes on Street Performance
- Jan 5, 2018 Chaos' Playground: Finding Gold in the Shitstorm
- Dec 1, 2017 Why the Tutu?
- Sep 14, 2017 Art is a Portal
- Aug 7, 2017 Three Reasons to Destroy Yourself (Or Not)
- Jul 6, 2017 Nerves and Tutus
- Feb 19, 2017 Why Does Heartache Happen?
- Jan 15, 2017 Following Fear
- Dec 28, 2016 How to Make Magical Oranges
Tarot
- Oct 24, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #5: Why does my skin crawl with wonder and fascination as such important relationships in my life are connected by the eyes?
- Oct 11, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #4: How long will it be until I have a new job?
- Sep 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #3: Why can't I find more hours in a day?
- Sep 3, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #2: Do abusers know they're being abusive, or is that just their sense of reality?
- Aug 25, 2019 TAROT QUESTION #1: Why is the Present Moment So Much All the Time?
- Aug 18, 2019 Today's Tarot: Shifting Pain by Surrendering to It
- Aug 13, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Golden Devils Inside You
- Aug 12, 2019 Today's Tarot: The Moon of Self-Loathing
- Jun 27, 2019 Today's Tarot: Snot, Beauty, and Tea for Pain
- Feb 28, 2018 Today's Tarot: The World is in the Seed
- Aug 26, 2017 Tarot as a Tool for Reality Construction